"Kirk was such a good boy when he was little" she smirked as she gave me a look. She was washing clothes and locked herself outside when I was still in a crib. "Mal (my dad) was at work, so I stood by the window with a rock ready to break the glass if he cried". Watched me all day , heaven forbid disturb the beardwinner at work, my god the fifties!
Then the strangest thing happened, I've since learned to look for. As she spoke you could see the memory replay in her eyes. This was an infant rememberance I had no prior concious knowledge of which came to me as real as she spoke. In addition I marveled at the reality of a woman reciting the detail of MY goodness as I remebered her stand at my window all the time explaining to me her infant son , now 14 years old, that everything would be ok, sunny bunny boo!. All the time ready to break in at the "emergency" of my crieing which was not required. I had problems with my mom, I the mirror image of my dad, when they fell from grace, but certainly that day I had a vision in her eyes under the disurtantion of my goodness. A vision of the love my mother had for her first born son by the man she had passed over many others to wed and loved with all her heart for quite some time and he her.
I thought to myself when she finished how foolish she was to proclaim my greatness as a little boy and to miss the glory of a little boy completely safe in his mothers love with absolotely no reason to fear anything ergo NO REASON TO CRY. My mom was always too hard on herself, especially trieing to please her own mom also in the room.
Years later , my father lost in a car accident, my mother devistated, she started getting sick. I was in school and had watched my mom suffer the loss by cancer of her younger sister, her best friend in the world only months before. What was believed to be her arywitus now in her hip would become accepted as later cancer. Only if you know could you realize the nitemare of her strength of will to put on a good face for the sake of her positive hopeful children. I thank God wouldn't require my mom live forever.
I was sitting up one nite with my mom after all else had went to bed. Now she had stairs to climb in this condo she bought after my Dad died. Her hip was starting to affect her mobility but no one thought time would be limited as it ultamitely always is. The grin reaper, who does arrive was no where to be seen. She professed everything would be OK to each and every one of us.
My Mom would always fall asleep at the family drive-in movie trips thru-out my youth and since everynite with Mr. Carson on TV, who looked a lot like my Dad, at least to me. Her independance was very important to her and I realized she was too proud (foolish) to ask.
I had classes early the next mourning as I sat next to her on the couch with blankets over the both of us. Many times past ten o-clock she said she was done and ready for bed. "Kiss my butt I'm not staying up for you I'm staying up anyway Mom" I spouted as I fought to stay awake. "Nick At Nite" has nothing on this lineup I resisted all my prior years save Johnny Carson. But such a little inconveinence for me to permit her continued independance. Heaven only knew it was the last days of her self containment, certainly not I. After the end of here's johnny, she never liked Tom (I did) . "I'm ready now sonny bunny boo" (my mom's infant baby talk name for me) I snapped to with "Are you sure Mom" she smirked as she replied "Ya honey I'm tired now!"
I pulled back the blanket and stood up all 6', 195 lbs of tanned pool bum still intact and stood over my mom sunk into the sofa as I had been momments before. I leaned over and cupped my hands around her elbows and remarked "grab hold Mom" and we pulled her upright.
I hope I hugged her upright and gave her a kiss on the cheek and smiled by best smile for the woman who gave me life and who's love, as my fathers, I never doubted for a moment in the foolish waste of time I call my life (save my own son). I walked backwards as slowly and surely as my will could provide a stable comfortable trip to her room. As we step by step climbed the stairs my mom struggled stiff and hurting. We make the flat landing and navagate the 90 degree turn and set to finish the final run. I watch her feet and she stops. I look up to find her face inches from my own smiling. she said " Your so good to me sonny" I kid you not I said to myself you stupid old fool , I could kiss your ass every day of my life and still never repay the goodness you gave to me all my life. I could see the same picture in her eyes I saw that day in the kitchen talking about what a good boy I had always been.
I'll tell you now as I told this tale as a presentation for a class project I was at a loss to do. I have absolutly no excuse for anything in my life . I was always loved every minute of my life and I have always known this. I have my doubts but never that my parents loved me. I miss them foolishly, for I'am blessed with something precious and sadly all too rare in the world that my little boy has been a welcome slap back to reality. The certain immortal reality of spirit that all my foolish delugins of this world can not deny. God Bless My Little boy and give him the blessing I received.
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