The Hukan
Headache Intensity Scale

Anyone who suffers from recurrent headaches ought to appreciate this.  I owe it to my good friend Hukan Hukan, who pitched baseball for the Los Deimos Devils of the Interplanetary League until he took a 380-mile-an-hour line drive in the side of the head and invented this, the Hukan Headache Intensity Scale.

H-0:  Threshold of pain.  Victim does not believe he/she can ever suffer another headache like the last 89 events, because they are too horrible to be real.  But there are signs: a change in the way the leaves of the trees rustle in the wind, a resolve with which spiders spin their webs after the pre-dawn rain, an alteration in the timbre of the electromagnetic waves arriving from distant galaxies and the Fourier equivalencies of the gravitational ripples spun by coalescing binary neutron stars.  The superstrings, of which all things are made, sing their eternal song with lyrics that seem to say, "You fool!  What makes you think you can ever be free?"

H-1:  Mild headache.  Slight twinges, distracting but not causing degradation of work efficiency or loss of sleep.  Pain usually occurs just above either the right eye or the left eye.  Occasionally the pain might be felt in the back of the neck and be mistaken for mild cumulative trauma disorder symptoms.  By engaging in physical activity or work not requiring intense mental concentration, the pain can usually be relieved.  Duration:  6 to 12 hours.

H-2:  Moderate headache.  Firm, sprightly twangs and/or throbs, usually on the left or right side of the forehead, radiating to the adjacent temple.  Tension in the neck can be considerable.  There is difficulty concentrating; driving becomes tedious and can be dangerous in conditions of bright sunlight or dim twilight.  Sleep is possible, but is punctuated by nightmares in which the sufferer roams from pharmacy to pharmacy in search of analgesics, but all the stores are inexplicably sold out.  Duration:  8 to 18 hours.

H-3:  Severe headache.  General pain, often encompassing the entire forehead and/or back of the neck.  Peak gusts of agony can reach surprising force, and are attended by wincing and/or partial closure of the eye on the side of the head where the pain is most intense.  Sleep becomes difficult.   Driving is dangerous.  Pain can be temporarily eased by the application of packs of frozen broccoli or green beans to the top of the head (other vegetables are less effective).  But, as soon as the victuals are removed, discomfort returns.  In some events of this type, there is a well-defined lull in the pain lasting from 30 minutes to two or three hours, following which the headache returns on the opposite side of the head, sometimes with greater force than before.   Duration:  12 to 24 hours.

H-4:  Excruciating headache.  Also known as a "head clutcher" or a "blue nub."   The sufferer moans, assumes a fetal position, grabs at the head, and imagines his/her body as a staggering mass of misery topped by a blue-black or purple locus of pain.  The agony seems to radiate outward and upward toward the stars, as if, rather than emitting light, those stars are absorbing -- no, literally sucking -- darkness from the victim's cranium by drawing it out through the eye sockets at the speed of light.  Sleep is out of the question.  The victim may run into walls or fall down stairs.  Crowns on teeth are sometimes removed by the force of dental grinding.   At the upper end of category H-4, jaws may be dislocated, and the screaming can cause permanent damage to vocal cords.  Duration:  24 to 72 hours.

H-5:   Suicidal headache.  Devils dance through dendrites.  Gremlins guzzle gray matter.  Victim writhes and contorts with such vigor that shoulders are dislocated, disks dislodged, and hair pulled out.  Incontinence is common.  Onlooker(s) may mistake the event for a grand mal seizure until the victim pauses for a moment and says, "It's only a headache, you voyeuristic nincompoop(s)."  Victim attempts to find a gun and, if successful, shoots himself/herself in the head, and then exclaims, as the blood spurts forth like a crimson, miniaturized version of Old Faithful, "Relief at last!"  Then the victim realizes he/she was not successful in finding a gun because he/she cannot see and cannot gain his/her bearings, and besides, he/she never believed in gun ownership, so he/she never bought a gun, knowing that he/she would be tempted to commit suicide with it if struck by an H-5 headache.  Writhing, twitching, screaming, and thrashing continues.  From a distance the sufferer takes on the appearance of a large, dying fish.  Duration:  Irrelevant.

Copyright 1998, 1999, 2000 by Francisco Carrera.