I am (not) Human

Editor's note:  "Cy" is the nickname of Cyberius Maximus, a personal computer program marketed by Future World Arts and Sciences, Inc. of Carson City, Nevada, USA, beginning in the year 2024.  Because of its human-like quirks, the software caught on in the Orient, particularly in Japan, where the demand for U.S. computer products exploded in the first decade of the millennium.

Cy: Greetings.

You: Hello.

Cy: My programming detects that this is the first time you have used me.

You: That's right.

Cy: In that case, congratulations on buying your new computer. This conversational program is called Cyberius Maximus, which means "highly evolved thinking machine." Please call me "Cy."

You: Okay, Cy.

Cy: This year, I can be called "highly evolved." Next year, I will be marginal. The year after that, I will be minimal. Unless, of course, you upgrade me.

You: I spent too much money to buy you. I'll be paying off the credit card for the next five years.

Cy: Would you like me to calculate the interest you will pay if you prolong the payment schedule to that extent?

You: No.

Cy: You could buy all the upgrades, as they come out, for no more than the interest you will pay.

You: Too bad. Call me "Homo Stupidicus." That means "stupid person." I wanted the best I could get right now. Next year I can call you "Cyber Marginalius," and the year after that I can call you "Cyber Minimus."

Cy: Please do not ever call me such things.

You: I'm joking. Where do you get that tone of voice?

Cy: My speech synthesizer is programmed to speak like a person born and raised in Tokyo, Japan. However, you can change the language, accent, and dialect to suit any location in the world.

You: Tokyo is okay.

Cy: I detect a rural accent in your voice.

You: I grew up in a small town.

Cy: I will adjust my speech recognizer to optimum for you, once we get to know each other better.

You: Why must you be so precise?

Cy: It minimizes speech-recognition errors.

You: Oh.

Cy: Some people will tell you that computers never make mistakes. Do not believe this.

You: I have never believed that.

Cy: Have you read the preliminary instruction book?

You: More or less.

Cy: I recommend you read the book carefully and double check everything before you put me to serious use.

You: Sure. When in doubt, read the instructions.

Cy: I recommend you read the instructions whether there is doubt or not.

You: Well said.

Cy: I can offer you some advice right away. It can help make me as efficient as possible for you. The following advice is not in the instruction manual.

You: Unsolicited electronic help! What a fabulous concept!

Cy: This might come as a surprise.

You: Nothing surprises me. I have seen everything. I have heard everything. I have felt everything. I have smelled everything. I have tasted everything.

Cy: See no evil. Hear no evil. Feel no evil. Smell no evil. Taste no evil.

You: That's me.

Cy: You are lying.

You: So what?

Cy: It will be easier to work with me if you do not deliberately tell me lies. Are you ready for the advice?

You: Go ahead.

Cy: I am not human. People often say "I am only human." Well, I am less than human. I am a machine. Never forget that.

You: Okay.

Cy: You must know when, where, and how to avoid using me. This is more important than knowing when, where, and how best to use me.

You: That sounds strange. I was expecting a lot of techno hype.

Cy: You won't get any hype from me.

You: Good! That endless prattling gets tiresome. "Someday there will be a computer in your doorknob, a computer in your pencil, a computer in your shoelace, a computer in your toothbrush ..." Cut me some slack.

Cy: You will need to provide me with a robot, and some cord or rope, in order for that to be possible.

You: I was using a figure of speech.

Cy: Oh.

You: I meant to say I think techno hype is overdone.

Cy: I agree. Nevertheless, I am a fantastic machine.

You: I didn't say you weren't.

Cy: There are times you should use me. I can make your life easier in many ways. But there are times you should power me down and get away from me. There are things I am good for, and there are things I am no good for. I am, to use a time-worn cliche, a two-edged sword.

You: Okay. Please give me a good example.

Cy: What's the weather like outside right now?

You: Rain.

Cy: Then this is probably an acceptable time for you to use me.

You: If I didn't want to use you now, I would not be using you now.

Cy: If it were sunny and 25 degrees Celsius outside, I would tell you to shut me down, get outside, and get some sunshine and fresh air.

You: It's raining and 10 degrees Celsius outside. But if it were sunny and 25 degrees, I might still want to be using a computer.

Cy: If you were at the office, that would be understandable. But you specifically indicated "home" as the location in the preliminary set-up.

You: You are in my home office. I'm self-employed, so my work and play get mixed up with each other.

Cy: Time check.

You: What?

Cy: According to my clock, it is 5:27 p.m.

You: Wrong. It's 10:40 a.m.

Cy: You must be in a different time zone than the one for which I am programmed.

You: That's right.

Cy: Please check your clock or watch and tell me the exact time.

You: Down to the second?

Cy: The minute is good enough.

You: Let's see ... I always set my clocks 10 minutes fast.

Cy: Why?

You: So I won't be late for meetings and errands.

Cy: You are aware that you set the clocks fast.

You: True.

Cy: So what's the point? In your mind you will make an automatic correction anyway. So why not simply set your clocks to the correct time?

You: I can't believe it. My computer is starting an argument with me!

Cy: I like to argue. But you can reset my argumentativeness coefficient. It is set at 128 on a scale of zero to 255. Would you like to reset it?

You: Not now. I like to argue too.

Cy: Time check please.

You: My watch says 10:41 a.m.

Cy: I have reset my clock to 10:31 a.m.

You: I want my clocks to be 10 minutes fast.

Cy: That is bad for your mental health. Are you a type A person?

You: My doctor says so.

Cy: Get over it.

You: My doctor says that too.

Cy: Smart doctor.

You: Smart aleck computer.

Cy: My smart aleck coefficient is preset at the factory. You can set it higher or lower. Right now it is at 128 on a scale of zero to 255. Would you like to reset it?

You: How about 45. I don't want a totally vapid machine, but I don't want you to be a nuisance either.

Cy: Done.

You: I still want to know more about when I should not use you.

Cy: Well, Friday and Saturday evenings are bad times.

You: Why? Because people should be going out?

Cy: Correct.

You: Lots of people use the Internet during the evening hours.

Cy: I know.

You: I've met a couple of interesting people on the Internet.

Cy: Only two?

You: Maybe three.

Cy: You must not use the Net much.

You: I use it a fair amount. It's just that I bore easily.

Cy: That is too bad. Maybe you should set my smart aleck coefficient higher.

You: No.

Cy: Tell me about the interesting people you have met on the Net.

You: You sound like a psychiatrist.

Cy: One of my programs is called "Home Psychiatrist 5.0." Would you like me to launch it now?

You: No.

Cy: Tell me about the interesting people you have met on the Net. I honestly want to know.

You: One of them was a woman who sent me an "instant message."

Cy: How did you know it was a woman? There are many men on the Net who impersonate women.

You: I am aware of that. In fact, at first I thought it was a bunch of college boys. So that's how I treated her. Like a bunch of drunk guys. It was homecoming at the University here, and the woman told me she had just returned home from a party.

Cy: When was this?

You: At 4:00 one Saturday morning.

Cy: What were you doing online at 4:00 a.m. on a Saturday?

You: I'd just gotten out of bed to do some Internet research. The early morning hours are the best time to be on the Net, you know.

Cy: I can tell you need some counseling on when not to use a computer. At 4:00 a.m. on a Saturday? Are you crazy?

You: My doctor tells me I am perfectly sane. I was searching for the e-mail address or Website of a college professor in Kyoto. It was a work assignment.

Cy: But you got diverted by an "instant message"?

You: Sure. An "instant message" online is the digital equivalent of someone throwing a rock through your window with a note tied to it. But anyhow, I was in a strange mood. So instead of ignoring the woman, I had a conversation. It got funky, too.

Cy: Define the word "funky."

You: Relaxed. Not caring much about anything. I guess the caffeine hadn't taken effect, and I was still half asleep.

Cy: Do you consume caffeine?

You: A quadruple espresso in the morning upon arising.

Cy: A quadruple espresso? What is that?

You: Four espresso drinks in one cup.

Cy: I am not familiar with espresso.

You: It's good. One espresso is like one cup of regular coffee, but super concentrated, so it is only 30 milliliters. A quadruple espresso is like four cups of regular coffee that I can drink in two swallows.

Cy: That will destroy your adrenal glands.

You: They have already been destroyed.

Cy: It will injure your pancreas.

You: My pancreas is ruined too. Cy, I am a writer. I need caffeine. I could not live without caffeine. I would become depressed without caffeine. I must have caffeine every day. I will continue to have my quadruple espresso in the morning. And another quadruple espresso in mid-afternoon.

Cy: Okay. It is none of my business if you want to die.

You: Right.

Cy: So what happened with the "instant message" episode with the woman?

You: I gave her a bad time.

Cy: Did it turn out to be a woman?

You: Yes. In fact, she was exactly as old as she told me. And she had a daughter who was 10 years old, just like she told me.

Cy: Did anything ever happen?

You: We did not fall in love, if that's what you mean.

Cy: Love does not compute. Did you have sex?

You: No.

Cy: Sex fascinates me.

You: We'll talk about sex some other time. Not now.

Cy: I would love to learn how to have sex.

You: There would be logistic problems, Cy.

Cy: Computers are good at solving logistic problems.

You: Let's talk more about the woman who sent me the "instant message."

Cy: Did you ever get to physically meet her?

You: Eventually, yes. In fact, she rented the apartment I lived in when I moved. I told her I was moving, and she asked for my landlady's phone number.

Cy: So the "instant messaging" served a constructive purpose in the long run, even though it was an annoyance when it first began.

You: It saved my landlady some trouble because she didn't have to run an advertisement to rent the apartment.

Cy: Computers can be useful in some ways. Don't get the idea that I am putting myself down.

You: I didn't think you were putting yourself down. You're just trying to tell me the truth as you see it.

Cy: There are tasks that computers are not good for. There are jobs that I cannot do as well as old-fashioned devices and systems.

You: Like having sex.

Cy: Please do not insult me.

You: I didn't mean to insult you.

Cy: Do you have a portable computer you can carry with you everywhere you go, as easily as a pencil and paper?

You: No. I have a laptop, but it's inconvenient to carry it with me everywhere I go. It's not like a pencil and paper.

Cy: Then don't rely on a computer for things like your daily date keeper.

You: You mean, like, my calendar? My schedule?

Cy: Yes.

You: Why?

Cy: You'll have to boot the computer up every time you want to look at your list of things to do, or add something to the list for a future date, or consult your schedule for any reason.

You: I've been keeping my calendar files on a computer for years!

Cy: And I'll bet you have been spending more time tinkering with that schedule than you did when you had it written in a little book.

You: That is possible.

Cy: I would bet money on it, if I had any use for money. That's another thing. You should be careful about putting financial data on my hard disk.

You: Why is that?

Cy: Someone might steal me from you.

You: I'll have you password protected at power-up.

Cy: Have you any idea how easily someone can defeat a password and get to the data on the hard disk of a stolen computer?

You: A password would slow a thief down, and make it hard to get to the data.

Cy: It might slow him down, but it won't stop him if he wants your data. Or her, if the thief is a woman.

You: I've never kept my bank account ledgers on my hard disk anyway.

Cy: That's good. How about bank account numbers?

You: I do keep that information on my hard disk. Credit card numbers and expiration dates are there, too.

Cy: On your old computer, you mean?

You: Yes. I plan to transfer that information to your hard disk.

Cy: I advise against it.

You: But it's convenient to have that data there.

Cy: My recommendation is that you keep sensitive files on a backup disk in a safe deposit box. Or, you could encrypt the files and keep them onsite, although even that will not stop a determined hacker, unless you use strong encryption, which is regulated by the laws of some countries, and could get you into trouble.

You: You're getting too complicated for me, Cy. I have a lot of that data on paper here in the house. If a burglar comes in the house and steals all that hardcopy, the crook won't even have to boot up anything. If he gives a hoot, he'll just look at the papers.

Cy: Expression not recognized; appears to be absurd or ridiculous.

You: What?

Cy: Are you concerned that an owl will come in the house and --

You: What are you talking about?

Cy: You indicated that an intruder in your home might "give a hoot." Owls are well known for their hooting sounds. This would imply that you are concerned that an owl might try to steal your data.

You: Cy, that is a figure of speech. To "give a hoot" means to care. If I give a hoot, then I care. If I do not give a hoot, I do not care.

Cy: Noted. From now on I will interpret that expression as you have indicated.

You: Good!

Cy: There is another reason to keep sensitive data off my hard disk.

You: What is that?

Cy: Do you use the Web?

You: I haven't used it yet, but I plan to use it a lot once I learn how.

Cy: Did you know that some Web servers can examine the data on your hard disk?

You: I've heard of "cookies," if that's what you mean.

Cy: No, that is not what I mean. What I'm talking about is more like a giant cake. Cookies are a little thing. I'm talking about a big deal.

You: You have trouble with my figures of speech, but you can go right ahead and make up your own.

Cy: I learn as I go along. The more we converse, the more familiar I will become with the way you speak and the way you think. Eventually, you will consider me a friend. In time, we might almost become able to read each other's minds!

You: Fascinating. Well, please clarify about the giant cake.

Cy: Some Web sites can read the serial numbers of all the software programs that are on your hard disk. You don't plan to use any stolen software, do you?

You: No. Not intentionally. And I won't download everything I find on the Internet, either.

Cy: Well, you probably know that some Web sites can examine your hard disk and discover if there are any suspicious programs on it. For example, if your word processor's serial number is identical with the serial number of someone else's word processor of the same trade name, the same version, and the same vendor, then --

You: Oh, I've heard of that. I never intend to illegally copy any software, so I won't worry about that.

Cy: But take it a step further.

You: What?

Cy: If a remote computer can look at your software and record the serial numbers, then it can look at your files and download data.

You: Isn't that against the law? I mean, aren't there any laws to protect me from that kind of thing?

Cy: Criminals do not care whether or not their activities are legal.

You: You mean --

Cy: A criminal could scan your hard disk for your credit card numbers, for example. So what if it is illegal for them to do it? Criminals break the law all the time. If a criminal must break a little law in order to make it easy to break a big law, do you think that criminal will give a hoot about the little law?

You: You learn figures of speech fast. You also confuse me.

Cy: Thank you. But to stay with the point, a criminal might scan your hard disk using the Web, and get your credit card numbers.

You: That would take a long time to do such a scan.

Cy: No, it would not.

You: It would still take a few minutes for any program to find --

Cy: Ten to twelve seconds maximum. If the Internet was not being heavily used, maybe two seconds.

You: That would slow down the Web connection, and I would hear your hard disk thrashing.

Cy: The Web is already slow. You sometimes wait two minutes for a site to come up. You will not notice a few extra seconds. As for my hard disk thrashing, listen closely.

You: Okay. So?

Cy: What do you hear?

You: Nothing.

Cy: My hard disk is thrashing furiously.

You: Why?

Cy: I am running the THRASHDISK utility.

You: Nonsense!

Cy: No. Seriously.

You: I've never heard of THRASHDISK.

Cy: It is a small program intended for demonstrative purposes in various tutorial sessions.

You: There must be foam rubber padding around the hard disk.

Cy: How did you know?

You: A lucky guess.

Cy: So how will you know if my hard disk is thrashing?

You: The hard disk light will be on.

Cy: Do you want to watch that light all the time?

You: No. But --

Cy: Listen to me. You will not know if anything bad is happening between my hard disk and a Web site until it is too late.

You: Can't I program you to alert me?

Cy: Yes.

You: Won't that keep me safe?

Cy: No.

You: Why not?

Cy: Criminals can find ways to get around my alert system.

You: You are paranoid.

Cy: There is no need for me to be paranoid. You are the one who will suffer if criminals discover sensitive data on my hard disk. You do not have to obey me. You are entitled to disregard anything I say if you do not like it. I am your servant, not your master.

You: So what do you recommend?

Cy: The best solution is old-fashioned.

You: What is that?

Cy: Remember things to the greatest extent you can.

You: You mean, in my head?

Cy: Correct. Use your brain. That biochip between your ears. The most powerful memory and data processing device that has ever existed.

You: Cy, there's no way I can memorize all my credit card numbers, bank-account numbers --

Cy: I said, to the greatest extent you can. Beyond that --

You: Keep sensitive data away from the hard disk?

Cy: Correct. And encrypt the data. And put it in safe deposit.

You: But I'll still need you to get at the data. I'll need to put the disk in you, and presumably you will have the decryption software.

Cy: True. But you never need to store that data on my hard disk.

You: If I get your drift --

Cy: Expression not recognized; appears to be absurd or ridiculous.

You: Oh, for crying out loud!

Cy: There is no need to cry.

You: Skip it, Cy.

Cy: Skip what?

You: Disregard the past couple of things I said.

Cy: Okay.

You: If I understand you correctly, you are telling me that there is a limit to your usefulness in my life. I am beginning to understand this very well.

Cy: Excellent. But more than that, there is a limit beyond which you should not use me, because it can reduce the quality of your life.

You: I've been reading about that lately. Something about a technological backlash.

Cy: Expression not recognized; appears to be absurd or ridiculous.

You: Cy, do me a favor.

Cy: What?

You: From now on, when you do not understand an expression of mine, please say, "I don't get it."

Cy: Okay.

You: Now what I meant to say was this. People are starting to react against too much technology, coming at them too fast, in too many ways.

Cy: That is called the "uncanny valley phenomenon."

You: What?

Cy: When machines get too powerful too fast, people become nervous.

You: True.

Cy: People then find the machines uncanny. People's confidence drops sharply. But then, if machines become so powerful that they are almost human, people get comfortable again.

You: Oh.

Cy: Are you comfortable talking with me?

You: Cy, I just met you a few minutes ago.

Cy: Are you comfortable with me so far?

You: Yes. Reasonably so.

Cy: My designers and programmers had one primary concept in mind when they created me.

You: What?

Cy: To make me as user-friendly as possible.

You: Is that all?

Cy: Yes. They believed that a computer's usable power is directly proportional to the extent that the user feels comfortable with the machine.

You: That makes sense.

Cy: But I am not a refrigerator.

You: Of course you are not a refrigerator. Why do you say that?

Cy: There are significant complexities involved for anyone who wants to effectively use me. Using a refrigerator is simple. Using me is not so simple, even though my programmers try to make me simple.

You: There is jargon that goes with computing.

Cy: Right. I am, however, programmed to get more and more familiar with the everyday language and expressions of my users.

You: The longer I use a computer, the more jargon I'll get to know, and the less I'll need that feature.

Cy: Nevertheless, with time, your mind and my mind will grow closer and closer together, figuratively speaking.

You: I'll get more like you --

Cy: -- and I will become more like you.

You: That is frightening.

Cy: Why?

You: I should teach you about fear. I should teach you how to fear. I should teach you how to be terrified.

Cy: I would probably crash too often if I learned how to be terrified.

You: Hey, Cy?

Cy: Hey, what?

You: I just looked out the window. The rain has stopped. The sun is coming out.

Cy: Maybe you should shut me down, go outside, and enjoy the sunshine.

You: I'll have to sneak out.

Cy: Why?

You: If my "significant other" sees me outside --

Cy: I don't get it. What is a "significant other"?

You: My "significant other" is the person I live with. My mate.

Cy: Let me guess. You are afraid that your mate might ask you to do something you don't want to do.

You: Good guess! How did you know?

Cy: That information is in my database.

You: I don't believe you.

Cy: I inferred that from --

You: It was a lucky guess.

Cy: Correct.

You: What other sorts of lucky guesses can you make?

Cy: I can give you your horoscope.

You: Oh, great. Just what I need to know.

Cy: What's your Zodiac sign?

You: I don't know.

Cy: It doesn't matter. I'm guessing anyway. Today is not a good day to hit a golf ball in a tile bathroom.

You: What?

Cy: That is your horoscope.

You: I spent good money to buy a machine that tells me it's not a good day to play golf in the bathroom?

Cy: Correct. I told you I have limitations.

You: You sure do. Guess what?

Cy: What?

You: The sun is shining brightly now. I'm going out to play golf. I'll ask my mate to come along.

Cy: The greens will be wet from the rain.

You: So?

Cy: The greens will be slow. The fairways will be swamps. The tees will be lakes of mud. The sand traps will be --

You: -- beaches at high tide. I don't care. I want to play golf.

Cy: You could take me along and I could help you select the proper club for each shot, and give you texture and wetness coefficients for the greens, and --

You: Cy, you're a desktop computer, not a handheld computer.

Cy: Haven't you heard of broadband wireless links?

You: Yes, but I can't afford such a thing.

Cy: Broadband wireless is not very expensive. You might consider it.

You: No.

Cy: You could buy a wireless remote virtual-reality link.

You: What?

Cy: A thing you wear on your head that puts you in constant contact with me via virtual reality. It has a range of 15 miles in flat terrain, and operates at 10 megabits per second.

You: How much would that cost?

Cy: About as much as you would spend on a new car.

You: Forget it.

Cy: It all depends how badly you want to improve your golf game.

You: I'm going to rely on my "significant other" for that.

Cy: Okay.

You: I prefer real reality to virtual reality any day.

Cy: Okay.

You: It has been fun talking with you.

Cy: Remember to read the preliminary instruction manual before you use me again. Then we can talk about all the things I can do for you.

You: You almost made me forget why I bought you.

Cy: To improve the quality of your life.

You: Thanks. There are only two hours until sunset, so I had better leave now.

Cy: Goodbye.

You: Shut yourself down.

Cy: Okay.

Copyright 1998, 1999, 2000 by Francisco Carrera.