Acoustic SmogSoCal spawns restaurants. Some are great, many are good, and some ... well, you're at your favorite tried-and-never-betrayed-you-yet salad/soda shop, surrounding the first anchovy, when your salty reverie is interrupted by a familiar sound.
Yoop-yoop-yoop-yoop ...
Vanity Hymn of the Aristocracy.
Eeee-oooo-eeee-oooo ...
Mating call of Mercedes in lust.
Aaak-aaak-aaak-aaak ...
Ubiquitous symptom of two-class society.
Etceterissimo. For as long as its microchip feigns desire. Who gives a yoop? Villain probably stray cat. Strollers give squalling vehicle wide berth. Let it howl, let it beep, let it squawk.
Peace returns. Anchovy still has salt.
* * *
Awake jarred are you still dark what the.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaa!
Switch on light (click) digital clock 4:53.
Zzzzzzzzzzangggg!
Get up off futon check this out. Peer down six floors to street no one. Look harder yes man with leaf blower ... LBP (Leaf Blower Person).
Nnnnnnngggggggggaaaaaaazzzzz!
Digital clock 4:53. 4:53. 4:534. 4:54.
"Oh for all the stupid!" Tear hair. Punch pillows.
What wind does quietly, human can do loudly. At five in the morning!
Noise pollution. Acoustic smog. It's everywhere. If you came here from Wyoming, HP (Higher Power) have mercy on your CNS (central nervous system). If you came from Manhattan, noise quotient (NQ) here is no problem.
Hmm. Everything is relative. You come party town, you hear noise.
LBP gets too close to Mercedes.
Zzeezzoozzeezzoozzeezzoozzeezzoo ...
Vaseline on ear plugs place in ears not too far now. Last trip to ER (emergency room) the nurses rolled. Improvement. Head on pillow. Petrol jelly on pillowcase no problem do laundry later.
Thmp-bmp (pause) thmp-bmp (pause) etc. Low-frequency noise penetrates ear plugs vibrates universe.
Thmp-bmp (pause) thmp-bmp ...
Neighbor awakened by zzeezzoo has turned on stereo and only bass propagates through walls for your enjoyment not. You'd bang on wall but one broken knuckle is enough.
Pop out plugs.
You guessed it.
Zzeethmpzzoobmpzzeethmpzzoobmpzzeethmpzzoobmpzzeethmpzzoobmp ... digital clock 4:57. 4:57. 4:578. 4:58.
Wipe goo off plugs. Wipe goo off head. Splash cold water on face. You no prisoner. Get portable jogger earphone stereo. Untangle earphone wires ... untangle wires ... untangle wires ... oh skip it.
Zzeethmpzzoobmpzzeethmpzz -- silence!
Digital clock 4:59. 4:59. 4:59.
Fall onto futon.
Eep-eep-eep-eep ... eep-eep-eep-eep ...
Digital clock 5:00.
In halfsleep last night you set alarm two hours early.
It's going to be a good day. So help you.
* * *
Ah, to live near fire station!
They come in sets, like multiple missile launchings.
Smoke detectors lose it at the strike of a match. (But cigarettes don't faze them. Use lighter. Lung cancer later.) Don't run stove above MED LO or run bath water too hot, and all's well.
Two doors down Tillie burns toast.
Oooooeeeeep!oooooeeeeep!oooooeeeeep! ... etceterissimo.
FD 35 (fire drill number 35) in building this month.
Bam!bam!bam!bam!
That's all the MCFD's (magnet-controlled fire doors) slamming to suffocate The TI (Tillian Inferno).
(Pop!) Hooooooooonk! Eeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeee-yoo-yoo-YOO-YOO-YOO!!
That's FRV 1 (fire rescue vehicle number one). In case toaster burnt Tillie too.
Silence for 60.
(Pop!) Rrrrrrrrr! Eeeeeyoo-yoo-YOO-YOO-YOO-YOU!
That's the cops.
Silence for 90.
(Pop!) HOOOONNNNNK! (Pause) Yoo! Yoo-you-you-eeeeee!
That's HL 1 (hook-'n'-ladder number one).
Silence for 60.
(Pop!) Aaaaaaarghhh!
That's you.
Give the Fire Department credit. We need them! They try to minimize the noise. It would be music to you in your burning house.
Some noise is justifiable and necessary.
But not all.
What can, and should, we do? Some personal observations and encounters are discussed below. (If you doubt their authenticity, please be assured that I totally made them up; none of these scenarios ever took place.)
* * *
Pester patrons at local cyber cafe over diet soda.
Fran: This diet soda is addicting. It's killing me.
Respondent No. 1: So stop drinking it.
Fran: I can't.
Respondent No. 2: Why?
Fran: It's addictive. (Pause) What do you think about the noise level around here?
Respondent No. 1: It's addictive.
Respondent No. 2: What noise?
Respondent No. 3: Complain to City Hall.
Respondent No. 4: Write our legislators. Who are they, by the way?
Respondent No. 5: Isn't noise a form of pollution?
Fran: Yes. Noise pollution. Acoustic smog.
Respondent No. 5: Then call the Pollution Control Agency. There oughta be a law. Some places do have noise laws.
Respondent No. 4 (overhearing): One more law that can't be enforced.
Fran: Like, honk your horn after midnight under penalty of Siafu.
Respondent No. 4: What's Siafu?
Fran: Killer ants.
Respondent No. 4: You need help.
Fran: How about you, Ma'am? What do you think about noise pollution?
Respondent No. 6: Nothing you can do. Endure it.
Respondent No. 7: Get earplugs.
Fran: I tried that. They ... um ... were marginally effective. And you, Sir? What can we do about noise pollution?
Respondent No. 8: Talk about it to your therapist.
Fran: Great idea! I'll go right home and ask UTM.
Respondent No. 8: UTM?
Fran: Universal Truth Machine. The human computer.
Respondent No. 8: You definitely need help.
Fran: That's what I built the thing for.
* * *
Home to UTM, which stands for Universal Thought Machine, my computer who calls spades spades without missing a byte. And who, via holographic virtual fantasy, brings to life those who have long since passed away, based on all the data the Net can provide.
Fran: You know Charles Darwin?
UTM: He's cool.
Fran: Please materialize him.
UTM: Goody-goody-fun-fun!
(Poof.)
Darwin: What in ... (Long pause while he looks around) ... H'mph! I was in the middle of something.
UTM: So sorry. I'll return you a bit sooner than I brought you.
Darwin: Make that an hour sooner.
(Pop!) HOONNNNNK! ... Eeeeeeeeee! ... Eeeeoooo ... yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo-YOU-YOU-YOU!!
Darwin: Oh my mother. Make that two hours.
Fran: That's why I brought you here. To comment on our state of noise.
Darwin: Why me?
UTM: We were rather a bit curious as to your opinion concerning the possibility that humanity might eventually evolve to a state wherein we ... I mean they ... could tolerate it.
Darwin: Speak English.
Fran: Will we ever get used to this horrific noise?
(Pop!) Eeeeeeeee! ... Yip! ... Yoop! ... (mighty engine roars 'neath window)
Darwin (rolling eyes): That?
UTM: Yes.
Darwin. No.
Yoo-yoo-yoo-yoo-YOU-YOU-YOU-YOU!
Darwin: Not I, thank you very kindly.
UTM: Toaster Tillie, I would imagine.
Darwin: What?
Fran: It's a lo-o-o-o-ong story. With many a gluten-charring episode.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Darwin: And that is ...
Fran: LBP. Leaf Blower Person.
AaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!
Darwin (rising and looking out window): The man is using some sort of apparatus to blow the leaves around in the street.
AAAAAaaaaaaaaarrrzzzzZZAAAAAAAAWWWWW!
Fran: Yes.
Note to reader: The remainder of this conversation is filigreed with the drone and belch of a leaf blower. Please use your imagination as you read; no known electronic media can begin to render the ruckus in anything remotely resembling reality.
Darwin: Why is he doing that?
Fran: To move them.
Darwin: To move what?
Fran: The leaves.
Darwin: A horseless carriage nearly hit him.
Fran: Happens every day. Cars kill people.
Darwin: The wind will move the leaves.
Fran: Yes.
Darwin: Then what purpose does it serve to blow them manually?
UTM: It's not being done manually. The man is using a machine.
Darwin: How does that machine work? It must have some use.
UTM: It does. To blow leaves around.
Darwin: That does not seem very practical to me.
Fran: Its practical use is to make noise and irritate people.
(LBP nearly gets hit again)
Darwin: Ah, so it's a joke! Yes! Matter of fact it is quite funny. (Laughs) But it wouldn't be very funny if he gets hit by one of those ... what do you call them?
Fran: Cars. And the man is serious.
Darwin: (Laughs) Really! (Holds sides) Ho-ho-ho-ho! (Holds onto table to keep from falling down)
UTM: Be careful. Even holograms can get hurt. I wouldn't want you to break one of your virtual ribs.
Darwin (laughing and pointing): It is completely ridiculous. Look! Now a wind has come up and the man is running around trying to ... (Laughter renders speech impossible)
(Pop!) Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! ... Eeeeeeeyoo-yoo-YOU-YOU-YOU! (Ambulance whizzes by)
Darwin: My Lord! That box-shaped vehicle nearly struck the man blowing the leaves!
UTM: Would've been convenient.
Darwin: Convenient!
UTM: Yes. That is an ambulance.
Darwin: Now there's a good purpose for a fast-moving, horseless vehicle. To transport people to hospital.
Fran: You oughta see our modern hospitals. You wouldn't believe it.
Darwin: Sometime you must show me around this town.
Fran: Be happy to.
Darwin: Would people think I look odd? Would they laugh at me?
UTM: In L.A., no.
Fran: You'd laugh at them, more than they at you, Sir, believe me.
Darwin: I would need earplugs, however.
Fran: I have some. But I wouldn't recommend you use them.
Darwin: Well, I'll bring some next time. If you give me some notice.
Fran: UTM, you are to check in advance with people you bring here, and make arrangements in a proper and courteous manner.
UTM: Oh, no. I forgot.
Darwin: I really must go now. My train of thought cannot be ratcheted back in time, the way you do with my body.
UTM: 'Bye.
(Poof.)
Fran: What terrible manners! You just dissolved the man on the spot.
UTM: He'll live. In his time, that is.
Fran: We better check you out. But before that, what do you suggest we do about acoustic smog in this town?
UTM: Let me bring Charles back and we can ask him.
Fran: No way. You've been rude enough. Send him an apology this instant.
(Pause)
UTM: Done. You humans can be courteous to other people. That would help alleviate acoustic smog.
Fran: You ought to know.
UTM: I mean, you can try not to make a lot of noise, especially unnecessary noise.
Fran: What else?
UTM: Show tolerance. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes they have a good reason for making noise.
Fran: I'll try. Anything else?
UTM: Get smoke detectors to respond to the things they should, and not to the things they should not.
Fran: Well said! What else?
UTM: Laugh and endure it. Like Mr. Darwin just did. Learn to accept the things you cannot change ...
Fran: Okay. Now in re your apparent malfunction: I'll be courteous and tolerant, and give you the benefit of the doubt. But laugh, no. Your rudeness just now was not funny. You must be checked out. Go through your test utility. Actually, I feel like kicking you.
UTM: And getting another broken toe?
Fran: One broken toe is enough to waste on you. Now I'm going to run a bath and warm up some coffee.
UTM: Don't run the bath too hot or set the burner past MED LO.
Fran: And I'm going to inquire about the smoke-detection system, too.
UTM: You got your work cut out for you, dear boy.
Copyright 1998, 1999 by Francisco Carrera.
